An update: New Beginnings

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As I alluded to a few weeks ago, I recently found myself in a situation in which I had to say NO.

This NO started out as a “No, I’m not going to call myself anything other than Dramatherapist, whether or not there is any evidence for it!” In doing this, I terminated an almost 4-year relationship with an organisation with which I had been working since my trainee days.

And as someone who doesn’t believe in coincidences, this situation occurred in the same week that my clinical supervisor explicitly warned me that I was probably very close to burnout. Professional relationship ends abruptly and supervisor tells me I need to stop. I mean, what bigger sign does one need, really?

It has now been more than a month and many things have changed. I didn’t foresee this, as we rarely do, but this NO opened up quite the process for me. Mainly, I found myself questioning things that I had never questioned before, such as what I really wanted to do with my life and what my purpose was. Not that this was always clear to me, but I always had feelings and instincts which led me to do the many things that I have done. But after that happened, there was nothing. I felt like I was facing a massively tall wall and couldn’t find a way to get past it.

All I had were these nagging questions, which kept me up at night, and distracted during the day:

What happens when your dreams, instincts, desires, motivation, and ambition, lead you to a spiritual, emotional, and mental junction?

What happens when, out of nowhere, at the age of 30, you feel that you don’t know what to do with your life, for the first time in your life?

What happens when the thing that you thought was finally going to bring you all the fulfilment and sense of purpose you’ve always craved, actually leads you to a place where you lose sight of the horizon?

What happens when all the risk-taking, faith-leaping, and universe-trusting, leads to a sense of emptiness and numbness?

What happens when you realise that making a living and making a life are pointing in opposite directions?

What happens when you realise that you have been willingly putting yourself in a box of limited thinking and creativity?

What happens when everything which made sense to you, no longer makes sense?

I have been mourning whilst answering these questions lately. Mourning the fact that life is not how I thought it was or was going to be. This came with a great sense of loss and disorientation.

Initially, I rushed to do many things to try and salvage my then almost unemployed status, but nothing worked or caught on, which created even more anxiety and stress. And then, I remembered this saying, present in many spiritual traditions: when you don’t know what to do, don’t do anything. I embraced stillness and being uncomfortable, panicky, restless.

By saying NO to further diminishing of my self, and my skills and talents, I had inadvertently said YES to many other things: ideas, creativity, intuition, desires, motivations. I realised that these had always been there, but they had been under some kind of repressive system, ruled not by fear of failure, but by fear of powerful potential and manifestation of my own light.

One of the first things that emerged from surrendering to stillness was the certainty that I hadn’t made a mistake, and the intuitive confirmation that remaining in that role would have further confined my creativity, integrity, talent, and potential. That it was time to embrace the alternative aspects of Dramatherapy, to stop justifying and defending, to just do the work, and to let go of the various forms of mainstream shackles I had been living under.

Another thing that emerged was a performance. Now, I hadn’t created or performed any work – outside of academia – in about 8 years. In the space of two weeks, this idea came through, I sat down to write its first draft, performed a preview at an open performance night, and found a director.

Many other events have been taking place which have led me to my current journey of allowing myself to express my potential in its various forms. I watched a TED talk which I found very inspiring and which deeply resonated with me. In it, the speaker presents and discusses the idea of being a person with many talents and passions, and not having to dismiss some in favour of others, or subscribe to the pressure of being only one, very definable, thing. She references the idea that during the Renaissance, people were encouraged to master many different disciplines, and that the focusing on one talent/skill emerged as a result of the Industrial Revolution and its need for efficiency.

Watch it here: https://www.ted.com/talks/emilie_wapnick_why_some_of_us_don_t_have_one_true_calling?utm_source=facebook.com&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=tedspread

Watching that talk, made me realise that I had been focusing and putting pressure on only one of my talents/skills, to the detriment of my other talents. I began to consider this deeply and felt that this was the direction I wanted to take: to not just be a Dramatherapist, but to also be other things. To expand my label. In fact, to not be bound by labels. To fully embrace all that I am, and all that I can do.

To do this fully, I am creating something new: a different, more expansive, more artistic, and more authentic practice, of which Dramatherapy will only be one of three branches.

I will be taking a long break to do some inner work, to create more, to live more, to be more, and ultimately to honour and unveil the parts of me that I have been neglecting. I will return in a few months with a new brand, image, work, and ethos.

I guess I’m doing that which my Dramatherapy tutors always encouraged me to do: taking care of myself.

See you all soon, and take care!

 

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An open letter…The margins of therapeutic practice

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To: All practitioners working at, and in, the margins of mainstream structures.

Last year, I presented a paper at The British Association of Dramatherapists’ Annual Conference, exploring the dynamics of visibility between margins and mainstream. I presented and reflected on my work as a therapist in a marginal profession with a marginalised client group, HIV+ gay men. I defended that more must be done to move Dramatherapy and the work that we do as a profession, from the margins, to the mainstream.

I am here now, to challenge and dismiss that assertion, and to accept, embrace, and own my place at, and in, the margins of therapeutic practice.

Some of the most common feedback I receive in my sessions goes like this:

“I was really anxious about this session, but I feel so much better now. I don’t know why.”

“What we did last week really shifted something in me, but I don’t know why or how.”

“At first I thought this was weird, but then it made sense. I don’t know how to explain it.”

Do you notice anything about those statements?

Yes, they all include “I don’t know” why, how, what, etc. And guess what? Most of the time, I don’t know either.

Now, let’s look at this scientifically.

In fact, let’s not. If I wanted to be a scientist I would have studied Psychology or Psychiatry. And not to say anything in particular about those disciplines, but I studied Dramatherapy. And that’s that.

I never had a scientific mind, or enjoyed that process very much. I was always a “feelings” and “energies” type of person. I could always sense things and knew them to be real. Could I prove it? Not really. Did I feel the need to prove it? Not at all. Why? I always felt that an authentic connection between people did not need a piece of paper to validate it.

I read clinical articles sometimes and think “What else is new? Tell me something I don’t already know!” Now, I completely understand and value the process of rigorous methodologies and studies in order to prove something, and create the necessary robustness that a health care profession needs in order to be registered and protected. But I never felt the need to go through those processes myself. I’m currently writing my first clinical article, and the headaches this is giving me are quite something. The idea of finding theories to prove the dynamics of human connection, is frankly stressful. I know, crucify me already!

However, somehow in between the beginning of my training as a Dramatherapist, and my current work almost two years post-graduation, I have found myself trying to be part of the clinical psychology establishment. Me! Of all people! Me, who has always pushed against established ways and systems.

Yes, for the past few years, I have found myself trying to seek the validation of senior clinical teams who demanded evidence-based research for my work and approach, and for years I have endured this fight with openness, poise, and willingness to learn. And yet, I have continued to be on the losing end of that fight, and I have finally understood why: I have been trying, mostly unconsciously, to make a marginal and relatively new therapeutic approach part of the established mainstream. And I have been trying to do this on my own, in my little corner of the Dramatherapy world.

Thus, after a renewed demand that I stop using the term Dramatherapy because there is no evidence-based research for drama as therapy, I finally decided to claim my own boundaries, and respectfully said no. No to this demand! As a registered and protected title, a Dramatherapist IS a therapist, and it is my professional and legal right to use it. Moreover, I will cease to attempt to be part of the mainstream, because, guess what? I doubt Dramatherapy will ever be part of the mainstream therapeutic establishment. And for the first time since I have started studying and practicing this approach, this is perfectly okay. I have experienced this recent situation as a classic case of “I’m not good enough.” Somehow, I have felt inferior to other psychological therapies, and this has been my drive to be part of, to be accepted, and validated by the more established professions in psychology and psychiatry.

And, if I may say so, I sense this is a general feeling amongst the profession. Not consciously, per se, but if I have been experiencing this, I can’t be the only one, right? I still remember a few years ago at the AGM of our professional association, there was a motion to seek out accreditation from the BACP (Counselling and Psychotherapy association), and a member of the community stood up and asked why we needed such a thing, if we were already a registered and accredited profession? I think this has stayed with me until now, because now I get it. Why, indeed? If we are strong, authentic, and boundaried enough in our conduct, why do we need others to tell us what great work we do? And if we don’t think we are good enough, then let’s all look at that, and have a conversation about it.

I can honestly say that it was a rude awakening this week to realise that, actually, I didn’t think I was good enough all these years of studying and practicing. That a part of me carried the belief that Dramatherapy was not good enough. That perhaps other professions had a point of challenging every single one of my moves and decisions. As I was going through my process of awakening this week, this anonymous quote came through on one of my social media feeds:

“Stop asking why they keep doing it and start asking why you keep allowing it.”

And then it all made sense. It’s not just that people keep challenging my profession and training, it’s also that I ALLOWED IT to happen. I kept accepting their authority without question.

No more allowances on this front. I have put in place a healthy boundary: a boundary which whilst remaining open to new ideas and approaches, is also protecting and taking care of my own approach and my sense of growth within it.

By asserting this boundary, I am saying: this is what I do as a Dramatherapist. I use drama to explore the depth of individuals’ emotional experiences, and facilitate the sustainability of long-lasting change and fulfilment in their lives. No more, no less. No comparisons to other professions and approaches. No further explanations. This is it. I experience the value and worth of my training and talents on a daily basis, by the feedback I receive and transformation that I witness. And that is enough for me!

I choose to focus on causes. On people. On human connection. On compassion. On experience. On living, and thriving. And this is my commitment to all my clients, and myself.

 

Reflexions… On Loving Thyself

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I have been proactively studying and practising spirituality for 7 years. It has rarely conflicted with my Dramatherapy practice and studies, and I find that it actually complements my professional training.

One of the main teachers of my spiritual practice used to say this about the teachings of any religion or spiritual practice: “Love thy neighbour as thyself; and the rest is commentary.”

Meaning that, everything that everyone ever needs to know, and do, is in that little sentence. Simple? Yes. Easy? Not so much.

I have been observing for many years, that whilst most people understand the premise of that teaching and reality, they often leave out the last part of it. In fact, how many times do you just see “Love thy neighbour”? We are all trying to love and accept the “other”, but we often fail to love and accept the “self”. We forget the “thyself” part of the equation, and then we wonder why there is so much hate and misunderstanding in the world around us. We can only love and accept others in relation to how much we love and accept ourselves. If we don’t see enough love and acceptance towards others around us, is because there isn’t enough love and acceptance towards self.

I think most people know this, but not everyone feels this. Someone once told me that the most arduous path there is, is the one that connects the mind to the heart. And I’m not even adding the soul to that equation. Connecting the mind and the heart is a big enough task to start with.

Why am I writing about this today? Firstly, recent events and the ways in which we perceive the “other”, hate, and love. Secondly, a dear friend was questioning his spiritual/sexual identity recently, and I found myself using this teaching to make the point of acceptance clear. Thirdly, every point/topic/theme/concern/issue/etc. in the therapy room boils down to this: being able to love thyself. And yes, I can hear people scorning about this and its corniness/naivety, but I stand by this statement.

At one point or another, due to a myriad of circumstances, everyone’s development is affected by someone else’s words and/or actions, which then becomes internalised as a belief that “there’s something wrong with me” or “I’m not good enough”. Logically, it might be simple to state that there is nothing wrong with anyone and that everyone is good enough, because that information comes from elsewhere. It doesn’t come from the individual. No one internalises the belief that they are wrong, without an external influence giving them that information. But emotionally? Well, understanding this emotionally can take years, even decades!

Why? Because at the same time we might be receiving the message that we’re wrong, we’re also learning about right and wrong. Is anyone taught to love and accept what’s wrong? I feel and observe so many of us growing up under the conditioning that there is something wrong with us, having great difficulty accepting certain parts of who we are and of our history, hiding and hoping no one will notice. Even if no one else notices, do you know who will always notice? The other parts of you.

One of my favourite theories/techniques is that of Subpersonalities, by John Rowan. In it, there is the idea that we all possess distinct subpersonalities in our psyche, with different functions, motivations, origins, beliefs. No other aspect of my training has been more influential to me than this. The core principles of Integrative Dramatherapy – Self-Compassion, Relationships, and Integration – all stem from this. It is a technique I always return to, because it offers amazingly profound insights into someone’s behaviour, emotions, and traumas. Within someone’s subpersonalities, there is usually a very neglected, and a very over-compensating one. They are usually very dependent of and reactive to each other. They tend to disrupt the functions of other subpersonalities. Moreover, sometimes the very neglected and very over-compensating one, become one and the same. Their functions, motivations, and beliefs merge, and their origins disappear. The neglected becomes a bully and takes over the entire psyche, as it loses track of what it was there for in the first place.

Subpersonalities are very powerful (and surprisingly real) metaphors for our unconsciously-motivated behavioural and emotional patterns. The optimal goal is to have them all working together, interdependently, in an integrated manner. Integration, therefore, is not simply about having the “right” subpersonalities running the psyche, but to have all of them doing so, according to their own function and strength. Fear is a great example, for instance. Fear appears in our lives for a reason, often primitive and instinctive, but what happens to fear, and many other emotions, is that it overstays its mission, and its function becomes corrupted. It is there, but it is no longer serving the psyche, and becomes a block.

Thus, when a part of us begins to accept the conditioning that there is something wrong with us, according and in relation to others, a respective subpersonality emerges in the psyche to make sense of that new information. Depending on subsequent life experiences, that subpersonality will then live out its function and integrate, or it might overstay and change its function, which then permeates the entirety of the psyche. The individual is no longer able to recognise it, but it is still developing ways in which to express itself.

Subpersonalities tend to overstay their mission when they are neglected. We think we are taking care of something by ignoring it, but we are only forcing it to find new ways to express itself. This often appears in “random” events, behaviours, or emotional outbursts. We say “I was not myself when I did/said that!”. And we’re probably right. The subpersonality was ignored in its authentic expression, and so it found a new way to catch our attention, by changing itself completely and being someone/something else.

In short, this subpersonality was not shown any love or acceptance. It was deemed wrong, and forcibly ignored, and put to the side, or the back of the psyche. So, over time, the neglect turns into something else: resentment, anger, shame, disgust, hate, sadness, destruction. All of this, because it wants to be listened to, seen, cared for, validated… loved. The psyche, in the form of behaviours, emotions, and physical sensations, is constantly reminding us to focus on the “thyself” part of the equation. Love your neighbour as THYSELF! This is the paradox: the most important part of the teaching, comes last. It is a test in itself. Can we get past the obvious and notice what the core message is?

We believe we must always love others first, but the opposite is true. Without self-compassion, it is hard to create and maintain healthy and authentic relationships. Without helping our subpersonalities relate to and love each other, we cannot expect to treat others in ways which are balanced, authentic, and loving.

A client told me the other day, that they were not willing to change until the rest of the world changed too. Perhaps exacerbated, I challenged that position by asserting that the world was not sitting across the room from me, and that I was not being the world’s therapist, but an individual’s. And this is the trap: because we place the emphasis on others, we believe that others are responsible for loving, accepting, and validating us, and yet, we are often incapable of doing that for ourselves, and even go so far as rejecting that responsibility for the self.

LOVE THYSELF! The rest is commentary.

Ask the Dramatherapist… “A session with my psyche”

Exactly two months ago, I began to experience a nagging sense of questioning what I was doing with my life, and even wrote about it in the March Reflexions feature. I rarely experience this, particularly in the professional context.

I was always fairly certain about what I wanted to do, but the how has been through some dramatic changes. And today, the how was questioned to such an extent, that it also made me question the what.

“Do you want to be a Dramatherapist? Do you even want to continue helping others?” Talk about a slap in the face! I haven’t questioned my what in about two decades.

As someone who has been actively working on self-awareness and reflection for the most part of the last 10 years, it is very clear to me that these questions will be around for a while. Particularly that second one. When the what is questioned, one must pay very close attention. I guess this is what growing older entails. Can I go back to my playground, please? Anyway…

This post will begin to address the first question above, in a way which I have never done before in this blog. I was so taken aback, that I decided to try and do some Dramatherapy on myself. For all the non-Dramatherapist readers… have you ever wondered what it might be like? Well, here it is.

One of my favourite tools in Dramatherapy is my deck of Archetype Cards, by Caroline Myss (2003; http://www.hayhouse.co.uk/archetype-cards-a-80-card-deck-with-guidebook).

From the accompanying guide book:

Archetypes have been around since at least the time of Plato (…), but it was the 20th century visionary Swiss psychologist Carl Jung who put archetypes on the map of modern consciousness.

In essence, most archetypes are psychological patterns derived from historical roles in life, such as Mother, Child…; they can also be universal events or situations, such as Death. Along with our individual personal unconscious, which is unique to each of us, Jung believed that “there exists a second psychic system of a collective, universal, and impersonal nature that is identical in all individuals.” This “collective unconscious” (…) is inherited, rather than developed, and is composed largely of archetypes and mythological figures.

Although archetypes are both ancient and universal, they become personalised when they’re a part of your own psyche.

Now, from theory to practice. I use these cards in various ways, but this is one of the most common ones. I asked myself “Who am I as a Dramatherapist?”, and went through the deck, picking out the ones which instinctually resonated with me. The instinctual resonance is key here, because it prevents the rational mind from making too many decisions. Below, is the result of this first exercise: 11 cards.

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Fig 1. 11 Archetypes: Shape-Shifter; Companion; Alchemist; Guide; Prostitute; Child:Wounded; Seeker; Healer; Pioneer; Artist; Addict

Immediately, I felt drawn to some of them and not others, so I removed the ones that didn’t hold enough resonance, which left me with 7 cards, as below.

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Fig 2. 7 Archetypes: Addict; Prostitute; Child:Wounded; Artist; Pioneer; Seeker; Healer

As I looked at this second selection and got in touch with feelings and sensations, by taking a few deep breaths and grounding myself, I began to gain some clarity on feelings of who/what was in control – expressed by the Shadow attributes of the Addict (allowing addictive patterns to have authority over inner spirit), the Prostitute (placing material considerations and security above self-empowerment), and the Healer (failing to care for oneself).

What does this mean? I interpreted it in the context of what I’ve been feeling – an overemphasis on business, rather than passion, and a focus on others’ wellbeing, before my own.

There were also feelings of neglect of the following Light attributes – Artist (expressing a dimension of life that is beyond the five senses), the Wounded Child (awakening compassion and desire to serve other Wounded Children), and the Healer (passion to serve others by repairing the body, mind, spirit connection).

I felt this neglect was mainly about passion, and the fact that I have been feeling disconnected from the purpose of why I do this work.

Three main observations from this exercise:

  • The aspects of the Healer were present in both groups – I realised I was feeling controlled by its Shadow attributes and neglecting its Light attributes.
  • I realised I was quite angry at the concept of Pioneer.
  • The Seeker felt completely invisible and ignored.

I was curious about the anger directed at the Pioneer, and realised that this archetype had driven all the other ones to their extremes, and that its Shadow attribute of a compulsive need to keep moving on has been the driving force in my psyche for many months.

I then proceeded to engage in an instinctual dialogue between myself, as therapist, and the Pioneer archetype. This type of dialogue is done by following a flow, allowing the unconscious to speak by writing the first things that come to mind, rather than to rationalise it or try to make sense of it.

This dialogue revealed that the Pioneer was running away from something by pursuing something else in the future, rather than facing its fear in the present. It also allowed me to understand that part of my motivation of being a therapist was not appropriately aligned to the present and future, but still stuck in a distant past, which led the dialogue to an end, for the Pioneer couldn’t get past this obstacle.

I then went back to the cards I had previously picked and asked myself, which one of them could the Pioneer reach out to first, for help? I often pose this question to clients, because ultimately all the archetypes can be helpful, but it is also important to establish which one of them could be helpful in the here and now, when facing an obstacle in the present. Having many sources of help can often be overwhelming, so sometimes it’s important to identify and focus on one of them, and take small steps. The answer this time pointed to the Artist.

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Fig 3. 2 Archetypes:  Artist; Pioneer

I employed the same dialogue technique, but this time between the two archetypes. The content of their conversation was not that surprising: lack of passion, burnout. The realisation that my motivation for wanting to be there for others because I didn’t have anyone there for me, has led me to the exact same place: to feeling like there is no one else there for me. I continue to support others, whilst feeling unsupported.

At the end of this “session” I am left with the questions: how and where do I find others for support? And how do I re-ignite my passion?

This blog has aimed to show a glimpse of what a creative psychodynamic process can be like in Dramatherapy, as well as that the therapeutic process is often about trying to answer a question, only to find more questions.

I feel that the questions will never stop, but I also feel that life, and living, happens in the process of answering questions as they appear in our lives. 

Reflexions… On Doors

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Every now and then, I hear this in my therapy room:

“I’ve been in therapy for years, and I’ve never talked about this”, or “I’ve been in therapy for years, and I’ve never made this connection before”.

Anyone else experiencing this?

No matter what my response is in the moment, depending on what the disclosure is, I often think why this is. Why are people going to therapy for years and not addressing something? What are they doing there? And then I remember my own therapeutic process and get the answer: sometimes, people aren’t ready. Sometimes, something doesn’t become pertinent until a specific time in one’s life. Sometimes, layers upon layers of life events and emotional processing need to be peeled off before revealing the cause of something. I spent three years in continuous therapeutic process during my training, and didn’t start addressing a core wound until after a year post-graduation.

And then, I also remember this: I work as a Dramatherapist, which is an incredibly powerful profession within psychological therapies.

A bit of a disclaimer here: I’m quite rational and analytical in my cognitive processes. I can expand, elaborate, explain, extrapolate to my heart’s content. I often tell this to therapists and supervisors, because I am very good at hiding when talking. I have a moderately strong photographic memory which allows me to access articles, books, films, music, references in general, within seconds and incorporate that in my verbal expression. I disclose this, because I often just need someone to tell me to stop thinking, and start feeling. Because of this, I can also be quite the rational and analytical Dramatherapist.

I am still finding my balance between creative expression and exploration, and cognitive reflection. Therefore, I admit that my delivery of Dramatherapy is substantially filled with verbal expression, a talking therapy. But I also have to admit that whenever I have heard one of the statements above, it is always during a post-creative expression reflective experience. It is rarely when we are just talking, but always after we’ve done something drama-related. And here lies the power of Dramatherapy, and why I feel so passionate about it, regardless of how it is delivered and which techniques are used.

This past week, I explored this with two clients, after their admittance that they have both spent more than a decade in therapy and had not made such connections before.  I found myself explaining that individuals will often experience this in Dramatherapy because, as a therapy, we often go through the back door of the mind. We may knock at the front door of the mind, through some talking, but it is through the back door that our work may be most profoundly felt.

I don’t mean to imply that Dramatherapists are somehow surreptitiously tricking clients into disclosing information, but I have found in my practice that this is a regular, unintentional occurrence. In the sense that the mind’s front door is rational and analytical, and the mind’s back door is emotional and instinctive. The former is founded upon control, and the latter upon freedom. Creativity is the corridor that connects both doors. And most of the time, even I’m surprised at what my clients and I find by going through the back door.

And this is where our work is invaluable: the creative processes we use are not meant to trigger for the sake of it, and sometimes they don’t. But when they do, our psychological training will enable us to hold, contain, and support the emotional ups and downs of our clients. I believe Dramatherapy is a tremendously powerful approach, and to be able to do it is a gift and talent. The combination of depth and enjoyment that Dramatherapy provides to psychological development and wellbeing are astounding. How do I know this? Because I often get this feedback: “I have never told this to any other therapists”, “I didn’t know I wanted to talk about that”, “I didn’t know that was there”, “I can’t believe how quickly we’ve progressed”.

I will support myself here a little bit and say that part of why this happens may be due to my own approach, but it is also important to acknowledge that part of it is the client’s readiness at this point in their lives, and, of course, because of Dramatherapy itself.

One of my clients was telling me yesterday that they were really enjoying the dance between their conscious and unconscious mind, and I just felt like saying “ABSOLUTELY!!!”. That is exactly how I feel about Dramatherapy – I love the dance, and drama, between conscious and unconscious processes. I love engaging and spending time with the back door keepers. Their language is different, yet the same, for they communicate through symbols, metaphors, feelings, and sensations. They are unpredictable, but often, they just want someone to spend time with them, and then they will happily, and safely, take you inside the house to show you what is calling for attention.

Ask the Dramatherapist… “Addiction”

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I recently had the privilege and pleasure of being a visiting guest lecturer at the Dramatherapy programme in Anglia Ruskin University, Cambridge. I presented and delivered two different sessions, related to my clinical specialisms: addiction, and sexuality in the LGBTQI+ community.

During the Q&A section of the lecture on addiction, one of the first-year students asked me whether I believed addiction is something people can truly overcome, or not. This is a great, and yet complex, question.

Prior to my work in addiction, I had no experience in this field. I had a very strong personal motivation and curiosity, and general knowledge of reading different research sources on drugs, and treatment approaches. I also had personal experience of addiction, as a family member and friend, and of substance misuse in my personal life.

I don’t share this very often, but I spent a big part of my early 20s drinking irresponsibly and dangerously, and dealing with the consequences of such behaviour. I felt very confused at times, because at one point, I recognised that I had stopped being able to do certain things without alcohol. Things like dealing with overwhelming emotions. Or going for a meal. Or a party. Having sex. Sometimes, even, going to sleep. At the time, I didn’t have anyone that I could confide in with these doubts, and so I kept avoiding the question of whether I had a problem.

And then, on the night of 22nd July 2011 someone spiked my drink in a club and I lost consciousness for most of that night. I woke up feeling completely ashamed and confused at a dear friend’s house, and made my way to my small flat in Camden. As I lay in bed that morning, wondering what had happened to me and feeling completely lost, I received a text which said: “Have you heard what happened to Amy Winehouse?” This was a big life-changing moment, for as I lay in my bed wondering whether I needed to stop drinking, I received news that Amy Winehouse – who lived literally around the corner from me – had died from alcohol poisoning.

I took it this a sign, and decided there and then to stop drinking completely. And I did – for two whole years. And what happened in those two years was that something shifted, and I was able to understand my escapism for what it was, including the understanding that it wasn’t about alcohol at all. And so, I have been able to go back to drinking, without abusing it, or without escaping into it. How? I’m not sure. If I knew, I would package it and help make millions of people feel better.

Why am I sharing this with you? Because, ultimately, this is what drives me. The experience of this shift, from feeling helpless to feeling in control. The experience of managing my self-destructive part. Because I don’t exactly know how this happened to me, I remain completely open to everything when it comes to addiction treatment and approaches. I am open to the medical/disease model, the 12 steps model, the harm reduction model, the relapse prevention model, to name just a few. I am open to everything because I have also learned that different clients will need and connect to different things, or a mix of things. Some clients actually find it helpful to think that they have a disease, and others don’t. I go with what is helpful for each client. Who am I to say anything, anyway?

I am driven to finding the answers that will enable people to stop the suffering in their lives. I never assume that I know something. Sometimes, I think that I do, and a client proves me wrong. And I never feel defeated about it. Not even when a client dies. It makes me more determined. One thing I always mention when referring to addiction, and which people tend to forget or dismiss, is that addiction truly is a matter of life or death. When a client tells me that if they pick up a bottle again, they will die, I believe them unconditionally, because it is the truth. To me, this work is not textbook. It is real life, about real lives. When a client goes to sessions for weeks and then they stop going, there is always a feeling of dread. And this feeling is very real.

Another thing that I notice in my addiction work is the weight of the consequences. I would argue that shame, guilt, and regret, kill more people than the drugs themselves. Of all the things that I believe that I know and learned through the years is this: we need to be more mindful of the language that we use in treatment. The idea of lapsing or relapsing may carry with it such overwhelming weight for clients, that when they lapse or relapse, they end up feeling worthless, like failures, and a waste of space.

I don’t claim to possess answers to anything at the moment. I feel that I spend most of my time listening and following what is needed. The weight of a lapse or relapse is absolutely unnecessary. It carries with it the illusion that someone needs to start again from the beginning. I would always argue that we never fully go back to the beginning, because making a mistake does not imply that we have lost our skills or knowledge. We will always be slightly more ahead than we think. This goes for me, and my clients.

I work from the position that yes; addiction can be overcome. Always. This is my hope and my guiding light through the darkness of active addiction and its aftermath. How is this achieved? I am still figuring that out, but I know that it starts with the following:

  • Looking into, listening to, and treating each person, as a person.
  • Caring deeply, and unconditionally, because they are living beings and for no other reason, and many people don’t even know what this feels like.
  • Being open to dark and light, death and life, and everything else in between.
  • Practising, and encouraging, meaningful and authentic connections.

I am a firm believer that the opposite of addiction is authentic human connection.

Reflexions…On Questioning

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It’s been a prolonged silence since my last post. I have been sitting with this resistance, trying to make sense of what exactly was going on inside me, and realised that, ultimately, I have been questioning myself, my role, and my profession.

I found myself in clinical supervision the other week, questioning whether I would like to be a therapist for a long time, or not. A great gift I’ve received in my life is an ability to learn lessons quickly. This ability goes hand in hand with my other key ability of being able to empathise deeply and sensitively with almost everyone. By feeling deeply, I have often arrived at insights and personal resolutions, quicker than other people in my life going through similar trials and tribulations. But this may often also feel like a curse. The deep and intense feelings, followed by insight and resolution, followed by a continuous “what’s next?”. Sometimes, this is extremely tiring. And I feel that this is where I have been recently.

I am a therapist who believes that whilst a therapeutic training and education can indeed be used to help anyone in any kind of circumstance, the therapeutic relationship can also be much deeper and purposeful when I work with clients going through the lessons that I’ve been through. I often say that my areas of expertise are not an accident.

And maybe it’s a phase that every therapist goes through – but no one really talks about – or maybe I’m particularly tired this month, but I would be dishonest if I didn’t admit that this question popped up in my mind this month, startling my sense of identity and purpose: “Is this really all I want to do and be?” The answer was a very strong NO, which is still echoing in my heart.

I feel that I have come to this standpoint after a continuous and quiet questioning of the therapeutic process itself. What is its purpose? How do I understand healing, personally?

I used to think that therapy was supposed to help people overcome internal obstacles, and by default, external ones as well. And that healing would come from that process of transformation. But I guess what I have been really questioning is this idea of overcoming. I’m not necessarily basing this on any specific theory or methodology, simply on my own experiences and understanding.

Because what I continue to witness in my therapy rooms and sessions is a revolving door of the same presentations, conflicts, histories, narratives, in different people, with slightly different nuances, but the same. Even with the same person, when I think something has been processed, there’s another layer. And I wrote about this in a past blog entry. This idea that, yes, we can always keep digging, there are always more layers, more nuances to explore, more depth, more intensity, more pain, more trauma, more, more, more. But at what point do we stop looking backwards, into the past?

These questions are for me, really. I don’t intend to imply that every therapist might be questioning this, and maybe for some professionals these matters are very black and white. I just feel that I spend a lot of time in the grey areas, wondering what the balance is between past and future. And wondering whether we actually overcome anything? Does an experience such as a trauma ever disappear? How does overcoming and healing apply to trauma? Does it ever go away? What is my job in relation to these questions?

For instance, the complexities of gay men’s mental health. And when I say complexities, I mean that, based not just on clients’ experiences, but also my own. All these studies and articles of how gay men are more susceptible to more ill mental health, substance misuse, addiction, compulsive behaviour, suicidal ideation, bullying, abuse, etc. Sometimes, I’m reading academic or clinical articles, and I’m thinking “No kidding!”. I could write an article about my life and use that as a template.

Many other client groups have this experience – I’m calling it the intersectionality of pain. Pain does not discriminate, and it often doesn’t just stay on the one lane. It’s a complex web of experiences, which by moving something here, will trigger something there, and then by going there, will trigger something else further away or down, and on, and on. This is just my own process. And if I go through this, I am certain many others experience the same. All of us could spend the rest of our lives in therapy. But is that the point? Is it possible to move forward, simply by moving forward?

And I bring this particular example up, because its constant presence in clinical presentations makes me question whether the therapy may also focus on other aspects of a person’s life. I have created this session for groups which I lovingly call “The Gift Session”. It’s a session where I help individuals become aware of their inner qualities, their inner light. Just because. No other reason, no agenda. Just that. And someone usually asks “How is this relevant? I thought we were here to deal with our pain?” So, in every “Gift Session”, I usually need to explore why people tend to reject the gift of becoming aware of their inner light, and why/how that awareness could actually be the key to the end of their suffering.

Could therapeutic work focusing on qualities and inner light literally and figuratively illuminate the way through the suffering and chaos? How much healing and peace can we find through continuous exploration and analysis of pain and trauma?