As you may have read in my previous blog post, some big changes have been happening in my professional world, which are inextricably connected to big changes in my personal world.
I have been asking myself many questions lately, and have been seeking answers and wisdom from different sources. However, and even though I know this to be true, answers haven’t really come to me until this morning, for the simple fact that this morning was the first time that I allowed myself to listen to myself, to my intuition, to the inner resonances of my soul.
I am very aware that clients often think that the only healing taking place in a therapy room is theirs, when in fact, the healing is mutual. I learn and heal as much as my clients do. As Yalom said: “it’s the relationship that heals”. Not the theory, or technique, but the relationship between therapist and client. Why? At the end of the day, we are simply two human beings connecting. And if that connection is founded upon authenticity, openness, and compassion, then I think healing will always manifest itself.
One such example occurred yesterday. I am currently seeing a client who is a performer, and we have been engaging in exciting, authentic, truthful, challenging and compassionate explorations of what it is all for. Why do we create? Why do we make art? And holding the space for this client to find their own answers, has allowed me to find my own answers.
In my recent questioning of what it is all for, I have started reading a wonderful book, Big Magic, by Elizabeth Gilbert (https://www.elizabethgilbert.com/). She is the author of Eat, Pray, Love, which is one of my favourite memoirs, and I have always resonated with her ever since I first read that book 8 years ago. She is a creative being, with an active spiritual consciousness, and I relate to that deeply.
But going back to Big Magic! Yes, I had had this book on my bookshelf for more than a year, and a week or so ago, I found myself in my bed wondering “What is my next step, what should I do next?”, and this book caught my eye. So, I got up, picked it up, and began to read it. I must say, it is not a book that made me go “WOW!” or anything, but it was a book that moved me deeply. And this is what we fail to notice in life, sometimes. That the messages and signs are simple, quiet, but deep. We always think that life happens in the big moments, but it’s often the combination of smaller, quieter, simpler moments that add up to form our legacies.
There are many, many, many nuggets of powerful wisdom in this book, but the biggest thing I’m taking away from it is the motivation to create. She asks a question towards the end of the book which is a trickster play on the famous self-help question “What would you do if you knew you could not fail?”
Instead, she asks: “What would you do even if you knew that you might very well fail? What do you love doing so much that the words failure and success essentially become irrelevant?”
Let me ask that again: WHAT WOULD YOU DO EVEN IF YOU KNEW THAT YOU MIGHT VERY WELL FAIL? WHAT DO YOU LOVE DOING SO MUCH THAT THE WORDS FAILURE AND SUCCESS ESSENTIALLY BECOME IRRELEVANT?
She also addresses the question earlier in the book of what happens when someone doesn’t actually love anything that much, but that’s a matter for another time.
Right now, in this moment, I want to write about this. What do I love so much that failure and success become irrelevant? I don’t necessarily have the words to describe it, but in a Dramatherapy session is when the client and I both experience a revelation at the same time. There is a burst of energy in the heart space, the eyes open up, the lips form a smile, and there’s a deep breath. A deep knowing has been reached. A wall has collapsed. The flow is flowing again.
I have thought about these moments a lot, and I feel them as creation. As life. It’s my very own way of contributing to the flow of life on this planet. The act of creation: to allow something to be born, or released. And that right there, is what I love. And that, my friends, does not depend one bit on whether I fail or succeed. I will always love that.
As I continued to think about that, I realised that I have been neglecting the artist in me. The uniqueness of any arts therapist is that we are all both artists and clinicians: we are painters, sculptors, craftspeople, musicians, singers, dancers, actors, directors, writers, poets. And we know how to channel the creative process to facilitate the connection between unconscious and conscious living. We create with our clients. We create! That’s what we do!
And this is what it is all for, for me: to create. Full stop. To create without an agenda, without the saviour/rescuer/helper complex. In Big Magic, Elizabeth Gilbert very wisely writes: “it is very kind of you to want to help people, but please don’t make it your sole creative motive, because we will feel the weight of your heavy intention, and it will put a strain upon our souls.” Ouch! When I read that, I felt like I was being slapped across the face. And I felt that because it was true. Because I have made my whole life about helping others. I mean, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that, but I could still feel an imbalance, you know?
I felt not only an imbalance, but a dependency. That my creativity was solely to help others. And then Big Magic made me question this, at the same time that I have been questioning many other things, and it dawned on me this morning, that my creativity was for its own sake.
That creation is creation is creation.
Life is life. Creation is creation. Art is art.
I encourage my clients to stay in the moment, in the process, and always reinforce the fact that Dramatherapy is not about the outcome of showing anything to anyone. That the process of Dramatherapy just is. We create, in order to create some more.
And this is what I’m left with in this moment of my own process of questioning and reflection.
What is it all for? To just be. We don’t need to justify our creation, just like we don’t need to justify our existence. This is my commitment to my very own Big Magic, which is a term Elizabeth Gilbert uses for the flow of inspiration: to create and enjoy the process. Full stop.
I exist in order to exist more. I live in order to live more. I create in order to create more.
“Creativity is sacred, and it is not sacred.
What we make matters enormously, and it doesn’t matter at all.
We toil alone, and we are accompanied by spirits.
We are terrified, and we are brave.
Art is a crushing chore and a wonderful privilege.
Only when we are at our most playful can divinity finally get serious with us.
Make space for all these paradoxes to be equally true inside your soul, and I promise – you can make anything.
So please calm down now and get back to work, okay?
The treasures that are hidden inside you are hoping you will say yes.”
– Elizabeth Gilbert, in Big Magic