An update: New Beginnings

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As I alluded to a few weeks ago, I recently found myself in a situation in which I had to say NO.

This NO started out as a “No, I’m not going to call myself anything other than Dramatherapist, whether or not there is any evidence for it!” In doing this, I terminated an almost 4-year relationship with an organisation with which I had been working since my trainee days.

And as someone who doesn’t believe in coincidences, this situation occurred in the same week that my clinical supervisor explicitly warned me that I was probably very close to burnout. Professional relationship ends abruptly and supervisor tells me I need to stop. I mean, what bigger sign does one need, really?

It has now been more than a month and many things have changed. I didn’t foresee this, as we rarely do, but this NO opened up quite the process for me. Mainly, I found myself questioning things that I had never questioned before, such as what I really wanted to do with my life and what my purpose was. Not that this was always clear to me, but I always had feelings and instincts which led me to do the many things that I have done. But after that happened, there was nothing. I felt like I was facing a massively tall wall and couldn’t find a way to get past it.

All I had were these nagging questions, which kept me up at night, and distracted during the day:

What happens when your dreams, instincts, desires, motivation, and ambition, lead you to a spiritual, emotional, and mental junction?

What happens when, out of nowhere, at the age of 30, you feel that you don’t know what to do with your life, for the first time in your life?

What happens when the thing that you thought was finally going to bring you all the fulfilment and sense of purpose you’ve always craved, actually leads you to a place where you lose sight of the horizon?

What happens when all the risk-taking, faith-leaping, and universe-trusting, leads to a sense of emptiness and numbness?

What happens when you realise that making a living and making a life are pointing in opposite directions?

What happens when you realise that you have been willingly putting yourself in a box of limited thinking and creativity?

What happens when everything which made sense to you, no longer makes sense?

I have been mourning whilst answering these questions lately. Mourning the fact that life is not how I thought it was or was going to be. This came with a great sense of loss and disorientation.

Initially, I rushed to do many things to try and salvage my then almost unemployed status, but nothing worked or caught on, which created even more anxiety and stress. And then, I remembered this saying, present in many spiritual traditions: when you don’t know what to do, don’t do anything. I embraced stillness and being uncomfortable, panicky, restless.

By saying NO to further diminishing of my self, and my skills and talents, I had inadvertently said YES to many other things: ideas, creativity, intuition, desires, motivations. I realised that these had always been there, but they had been under some kind of repressive system, ruled not by fear of failure, but by fear of powerful potential and manifestation of my own light.

One of the first things that emerged from surrendering to stillness was the certainty that I hadn’t made a mistake, and the intuitive confirmation that remaining in that role would have further confined my creativity, integrity, talent, and potential. That it was time to embrace the alternative aspects of Dramatherapy, to stop justifying and defending, to just do the work, and to let go of the various forms of mainstream shackles I had been living under.

Another thing that emerged was a performance. Now, I hadn’t created or performed any work – outside of academia – in about 8 years. In the space of two weeks, this idea came through, I sat down to write its first draft, performed a preview at an open performance night, and found a director.

Many other events have been taking place which have led me to my current journey of allowing myself to express my potential in its various forms. I watched a TED talk which I found very inspiring and which deeply resonated with me. In it, the speaker presents and discusses the idea of being a person with many talents and passions, and not having to dismiss some in favour of others, or subscribe to the pressure of being only one, very definable, thing. She references the idea that during the Renaissance, people were encouraged to master many different disciplines, and that the focusing on one talent/skill emerged as a result of the Industrial Revolution and its need for efficiency.

Watch it here: https://www.ted.com/talks/emilie_wapnick_why_some_of_us_don_t_have_one_true_calling?utm_source=facebook.com&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=tedspread

Watching that talk, made me realise that I had been focusing and putting pressure on only one of my talents/skills, to the detriment of my other talents. I began to consider this deeply and felt that this was the direction I wanted to take: to not just be a Dramatherapist, but to also be other things. To expand my label. In fact, to not be bound by labels. To fully embrace all that I am, and all that I can do.

To do this fully, I am creating something new: a different, more expansive, more artistic, and more authentic practice, of which Dramatherapy will only be one of three branches.

I will be taking a long break to do some inner work, to create more, to live more, to be more, and ultimately to honour and unveil the parts of me that I have been neglecting. I will return in a few months with a new brand, image, work, and ethos.

I guess I’m doing that which my Dramatherapy tutors always encouraged me to do: taking care of myself.

See you all soon, and take care!

 

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Ask the Dramatherapist…”What is it all for?” – Creativity and Big Magic

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As you may have read in my previous blog post, some big changes have been happening in my professional world, which are inextricably connected to big changes in my personal world.

I have been asking myself many questions lately, and have been seeking answers and wisdom from different sources. However, and even though I know this to be true, answers haven’t really come to me until this morning, for the simple fact that this morning was the first time that I allowed myself to listen to myself, to my intuition, to the inner resonances of my soul.

I am very aware that clients often think that the only healing taking place in a therapy room is theirs, when in fact, the healing is mutual. I learn and heal as much as my clients do. As Yalom said: “it’s the relationship that heals”. Not the theory, or technique, but the relationship between therapist and client. Why? At the end of the day, we are simply two human beings connecting. And if that connection is founded upon authenticity, openness, and compassion, then I think healing will always manifest itself.

One such example occurred yesterday. I am currently seeing a client who is a performer, and we have been engaging in exciting, authentic, truthful, challenging and compassionate explorations of what it is all for. Why do we create? Why do we make art? And holding the space for this client to find their own answers, has allowed me to find my own answers.

In my recent questioning of what it is all for, I have started reading a wonderful book, Big Magic, by Elizabeth Gilbert (https://www.elizabethgilbert.com/). She is the author of Eat, Pray, Love, which is one of my favourite memoirs, and I have always resonated with her ever since I first read that book 8 years ago. She is a creative being, with an active spiritual consciousness, and I relate to that deeply.

But going back to Big Magic! Yes, I had had this book on my bookshelf for more than a year, and a week or so ago, I found myself in my bed wondering “What is my next step, what should I do next?”, and this book caught my eye. So, I got up, picked it up, and began to read it. I must say, it is not a book that made me go “WOW!” or anything, but it was a book that moved me deeply. And this is what we fail to notice in life, sometimes. That the messages and signs are simple, quiet, but deep. We always think that life happens in the big moments, but it’s often the combination of smaller, quieter, simpler moments that add up to form our legacies.

There are many, many, many nuggets of powerful wisdom in this book, but the biggest thing I’m taking away from it is the motivation to create. She asks a question towards the end of the book which is a trickster play on the famous self-help question “What would you do if you knew you could not fail?”

Instead, she asks: “What would you do even if you knew that you might very well fail? What do you love doing so much that the words failure and success essentially become irrelevant?”

Let me ask that again: WHAT WOULD YOU DO EVEN IF YOU KNEW THAT YOU MIGHT VERY WELL FAIL? WHAT DO YOU LOVE DOING SO MUCH THAT THE WORDS FAILURE AND SUCCESS ESSENTIALLY BECOME IRRELEVANT?

She also addresses the question earlier in the book of what happens when someone doesn’t actually love anything that much, but that’s a matter for another time.

Right now, in this moment, I want to write about this. What do I love so much that failure and success become irrelevant? I don’t necessarily have the words to describe it, but in a Dramatherapy session is when the client and I both experience a revelation at the same time. There is a burst of energy in the heart space, the eyes open up, the lips form a smile, and there’s a deep breath. A deep knowing has been reached. A wall has collapsed. The flow is flowing again.

I have thought about these moments a lot, and I feel them as creation. As life. It’s my very own way of contributing to the flow of life on this planet. The act of creation: to allow something to be born, or released. And that right there, is what I love. And that, my friends, does not depend one bit on whether I fail or succeed. I will always love that.

As I continued to think about that, I realised that I have been neglecting the artist in me. The uniqueness of any arts therapist is that we are all both artists and clinicians: we are painters, sculptors, craftspeople, musicians, singers, dancers, actors, directors, writers, poets. And we know how to channel the creative process to facilitate the connection between unconscious and conscious living. We create with our clients. We create! That’s what we do!

And this is what it is all for, for me: to create. Full stop. To create without an agenda, without the saviour/rescuer/helper complex. In Big Magic, Elizabeth Gilbert very wisely writes: “it is very kind of you to want to help people, but please don’t make it your sole creative motive, because we will feel the weight of your heavy intention, and it will put a strain upon our souls.” Ouch! When I read that, I felt like I was being slapped across the face. And I felt that because it was true. Because I have made my whole life about helping others. I mean, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that, but I could still feel an imbalance, you know?

I felt not only an imbalance, but a dependency. That my creativity was solely to help others. And then Big Magic made me question this, at the same time that I have been questioning many other things, and it dawned on me this morning, that my creativity was for its own sake.

That creation is creation is creation.

Life is life. Creation is creation. Art is art.

I encourage my clients to stay in the moment, in the process, and always reinforce the fact that Dramatherapy is not about the outcome of showing anything to anyone. That the process of Dramatherapy just is. We create, in order to create some more.

And this is what I’m left with in this moment of my own process of questioning and reflection.

What is it all for? To just be. We don’t need to justify our creation, just like we don’t need to justify our existence. This is my commitment to my very own Big Magic, which is a term Elizabeth Gilbert uses for the flow of inspiration: to create and enjoy the process. Full stop.

I exist in order to exist more. I live in order to live more. I create in order to create more.

“Creativity is sacred, and it is not sacred.
What we make matters enormously, and it doesn’t matter at all.
We toil alone, and we are accompanied by spirits.
We are terrified, and we are brave.
Art is a crushing chore and a wonderful privilege.
Only when we are at our most playful can divinity finally get serious with us.
Make space for all these paradoxes to be equally true inside your soul, and I promise – you can make anything.
So please calm down now and get back to work, okay?
The treasures that are hidden inside you are hoping you will say yes.”

– Elizabeth Gilbert, in Big Magic

Reflexions… On Loving Thyself

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I have been proactively studying and practising spirituality for 7 years. It has rarely conflicted with my Dramatherapy practice and studies, and I find that it actually complements my professional training.

One of the main teachers of my spiritual practice used to say this about the teachings of any religion or spiritual practice: “Love thy neighbour as thyself; and the rest is commentary.”

Meaning that, everything that everyone ever needs to know, and do, is in that little sentence. Simple? Yes. Easy? Not so much.

I have been observing for many years, that whilst most people understand the premise of that teaching and reality, they often leave out the last part of it. In fact, how many times do you just see “Love thy neighbour”? We are all trying to love and accept the “other”, but we often fail to love and accept the “self”. We forget the “thyself” part of the equation, and then we wonder why there is so much hate and misunderstanding in the world around us. We can only love and accept others in relation to how much we love and accept ourselves. If we don’t see enough love and acceptance towards others around us, is because there isn’t enough love and acceptance towards self.

I think most people know this, but not everyone feels this. Someone once told me that the most arduous path there is, is the one that connects the mind to the heart. And I’m not even adding the soul to that equation. Connecting the mind and the heart is a big enough task to start with.

Why am I writing about this today? Firstly, recent events and the ways in which we perceive the “other”, hate, and love. Secondly, a dear friend was questioning his spiritual/sexual identity recently, and I found myself using this teaching to make the point of acceptance clear. Thirdly, every point/topic/theme/concern/issue/etc. in the therapy room boils down to this: being able to love thyself. And yes, I can hear people scorning about this and its corniness/naivety, but I stand by this statement.

At one point or another, due to a myriad of circumstances, everyone’s development is affected by someone else’s words and/or actions, which then becomes internalised as a belief that “there’s something wrong with me” or “I’m not good enough”. Logically, it might be simple to state that there is nothing wrong with anyone and that everyone is good enough, because that information comes from elsewhere. It doesn’t come from the individual. No one internalises the belief that they are wrong, without an external influence giving them that information. But emotionally? Well, understanding this emotionally can take years, even decades!

Why? Because at the same time we might be receiving the message that we’re wrong, we’re also learning about right and wrong. Is anyone taught to love and accept what’s wrong? I feel and observe so many of us growing up under the conditioning that there is something wrong with us, having great difficulty accepting certain parts of who we are and of our history, hiding and hoping no one will notice. Even if no one else notices, do you know who will always notice? The other parts of you.

One of my favourite theories/techniques is that of Subpersonalities, by John Rowan. In it, there is the idea that we all possess distinct subpersonalities in our psyche, with different functions, motivations, origins, beliefs. No other aspect of my training has been more influential to me than this. The core principles of Integrative Dramatherapy – Self-Compassion, Relationships, and Integration – all stem from this. It is a technique I always return to, because it offers amazingly profound insights into someone’s behaviour, emotions, and traumas. Within someone’s subpersonalities, there is usually a very neglected, and a very over-compensating one. They are usually very dependent of and reactive to each other. They tend to disrupt the functions of other subpersonalities. Moreover, sometimes the very neglected and very over-compensating one, become one and the same. Their functions, motivations, and beliefs merge, and their origins disappear. The neglected becomes a bully and takes over the entire psyche, as it loses track of what it was there for in the first place.

Subpersonalities are very powerful (and surprisingly real) metaphors for our unconsciously-motivated behavioural and emotional patterns. The optimal goal is to have them all working together, interdependently, in an integrated manner. Integration, therefore, is not simply about having the “right” subpersonalities running the psyche, but to have all of them doing so, according to their own function and strength. Fear is a great example, for instance. Fear appears in our lives for a reason, often primitive and instinctive, but what happens to fear, and many other emotions, is that it overstays its mission, and its function becomes corrupted. It is there, but it is no longer serving the psyche, and becomes a block.

Thus, when a part of us begins to accept the conditioning that there is something wrong with us, according and in relation to others, a respective subpersonality emerges in the psyche to make sense of that new information. Depending on subsequent life experiences, that subpersonality will then live out its function and integrate, or it might overstay and change its function, which then permeates the entirety of the psyche. The individual is no longer able to recognise it, but it is still developing ways in which to express itself.

Subpersonalities tend to overstay their mission when they are neglected. We think we are taking care of something by ignoring it, but we are only forcing it to find new ways to express itself. This often appears in “random” events, behaviours, or emotional outbursts. We say “I was not myself when I did/said that!”. And we’re probably right. The subpersonality was ignored in its authentic expression, and so it found a new way to catch our attention, by changing itself completely and being someone/something else.

In short, this subpersonality was not shown any love or acceptance. It was deemed wrong, and forcibly ignored, and put to the side, or the back of the psyche. So, over time, the neglect turns into something else: resentment, anger, shame, disgust, hate, sadness, destruction. All of this, because it wants to be listened to, seen, cared for, validated… loved. The psyche, in the form of behaviours, emotions, and physical sensations, is constantly reminding us to focus on the “thyself” part of the equation. Love your neighbour as THYSELF! This is the paradox: the most important part of the teaching, comes last. It is a test in itself. Can we get past the obvious and notice what the core message is?

We believe we must always love others first, but the opposite is true. Without self-compassion, it is hard to create and maintain healthy and authentic relationships. Without helping our subpersonalities relate to and love each other, we cannot expect to treat others in ways which are balanced, authentic, and loving.

A client told me the other day, that they were not willing to change until the rest of the world changed too. Perhaps exacerbated, I challenged that position by asserting that the world was not sitting across the room from me, and that I was not being the world’s therapist, but an individual’s. And this is the trap: because we place the emphasis on others, we believe that others are responsible for loving, accepting, and validating us, and yet, we are often incapable of doing that for ourselves, and even go so far as rejecting that responsibility for the self.

LOVE THYSELF! The rest is commentary.